Saturday, November 9, 2013

The constant heartache

I really try to "stay positive" and "look on the bright side" and "count my blessings", all that good stuff. I do.  And if it seems like every time I write in here, I'm NOT happy and I'm not positive and all that...well...that's tough I guess.  If you want constant happiness and bubbles and recipes and pictures of kids playing in beautiful piles of leaves, that's not this particular blog.  If I run across one like that I'll let you know.

Anyway.  Yes, most days I am thankful for lots of stuff.  However it is also true that I am pretty much always walking around with a constant heartache.  You know what causes that heartache?  It's being the parent who is the near-constant observer of all those times when my daughter-with-a-diagnosis, who also shows no obvious signs of having a diagnosis, tries to participate in activities with other children who truly don't have a diagnosis.

For example?  Today was Observation Day at Sophie's dance school. This is where the parents can come into the dance room and watch their kids' class (ordinarily we are waiting out in the lobby).  And for me, this is such a mixed blessing. Today it was a little less blessing and a little more heartache.  Sophie will never have the muscle tone or the gross-motor coordination necessary to truly participate in ballet classes.  I am thankful that this dance school is not so serious that they really mind that, right now; however, it is also a heartache to watch my girl try to keep up with the moves and what the teacher is saying.  So, YES I'm thankful that this dance school is, thus far, accepting of what Sophie can do - but, at the same time....I'm not stupid, nor am I someone who ignores reality.  And the reality is, at some point, Sophie will no longer be able to actually take dance.  Yes I know there are other options, and other activities that might be a better fit.  But this, right now - THIS is just another manifestation of this constant heartache.  I suspect this is something that all special-needs parents experience on a moment-to-moment basis, even as they are trying to put a brave face on things.