Well, it's actually not a question....it's more of An Uncomfortable Conversation I'd Rather Not Have With My Six-Year-Old. I'd much rather put it off until she's maybe sixTEEN, when there's a better chance she might understand my answer.
S has pretty much always been into baby dolls. She has two baby dolls and two Bitty Twins, and her collection of "baby-doll-paraphernalia" grows with each Christmas and Birthday. These are the only toys she plays with consistently. S also pays a great deal of attention to those women we see, when we're out somewhere, who are pregnant. And, if the pregnant woman happens to be someone she actually knows - for instance, her initial kindergarten teacher was pregnant at the beginning of that school year, and I think that was S's first instance of being that 'close' to a situation of pregnancy - then her interest doubles. As with other children-w-PWS, her sense of personal boundaries, and social correctness, is sometimes questionable - so at times her interest in pregnant women, or babies, is definitely uncomfortable for me, if not for the person she's staring at. Yes, I know she's only 6 and a small amount of this is "natural". The difference here, between S and her peers, is that her interest baby dolls and babies and pregnant bellies will likely last long past the point of being "appropriate for her age", and perhaps will be a hobby of sorts which she carries into adulthood.
Why?
Because I don't think S will be able to have children of her own.
That is the "question" I refer to in this post's title - the "will I have babies, Mama?" question. Up until yesterday I've been able to successfully dodge the issue and not truly answer that question. I think it's fine that she plays so convincingly with her baby dolls, but I have to confess, when she pretends she's "pregnant" and says there's a baby in her belly, I cringe. Yesterday as she was getting into the bathtub, she did this again, and she of course noticed my reaction - because I've had that reaction before. So we got to talking about this issue, of her having children. Now, as I said, she's only 6 so there's a great deal about the whole process of having babies which I of course would not go into with her. But she's becoming more insistent on knowing why I don't like her pretending she's got a pregnant belly, and so last night I finally just told her, "I'm not sure you'll be able to have children". In answer to her "why?", I simply said, because of the Prader-Willi Syndrome she's made a little differently, and that grown-ups with PWS are usually not able to have children.
Now, let me say here that that last statement is not precisely true. There are just a few known cases of an adult woman with PWS giving birth, so physically speaking, it is not impossible.
But....however...at the same time....
We all know there is so much more involved with having a child than simply the physical side of it. At some point I will, hopefully, be able to help S understand that while her body might be able to "grow" a baby, there are entire pieces of her emotions, intelligence, and brain which are probably not equipped to handle the rigors of actual parenting...you know, the day-in-day-out, mundane, stressful, complex management of a relationship with another person who depends entirely upon its parent for protection and sustenance, etc. I know that when S was first diagnosed, we had to adjust our assumptions about her future, and understand that S's life might not include children of her own. At the time, it wasn't a huge deal, because it wasn't the biggest issue we had to contend with. But as she gets older, and it becomes clear that she's pretty smart and thus might also be pretty observant, I'm wondering if she will become increasingly sensitive to the ways in which her life path might not exactly be able to mimic that of her peers. She's understanding more about the syndrome itself, and I hope and pray that as she grows up, she'll also grow to understand that she'll have a good life, and have people in her life who love her, even if she has to do things a little differently.
Later,
J.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Books in the Pile!
I just edited the "Books in the Pile" section, over there to the right. Some of those titles had been on there for a while!
I still haven't finished reading "Uncle Tom's Cabin".....ugh. It just hasn't been a "page-turner" for me. I still want to finish it, but I think I would be somewhat more interested in reading about the affect/influence the book had on the whole slavery issue, and even possibly on the whole African-American/black experience in the U.S.
I just started reading Lonesome Dove - yes, this is the book upon which the t.v. show (? or movie?) was based. I think there was also a "Return to Lonesome Dove" which was definitely a t.v. show. I'm not too far into it, but I already like it. Very vivid. It is a western, which is a genre I'm not very familiar with; it is also a really long book, so we'll see how I last with this.
You'll also notice, on that list, a few titles with an obvious working on my faith life emphasis (The Jesus I Never Knew, Women of the Bible). Do not be scared, do not be alarmed - I am not what is stereotypically called a "Bible thumper". I'm just in the middle of a very difficult process, called "trying to figure myself out". And, folks, I have tried to depend only on myself, and my knowledge of myself up to this point - and it has not been successful. I am a regular church-goer and have been my whole life. I grew up Catholic, and B and I made the choice in 2003 to search out a church where, to put it very simply, we could both partake of Communion. Thus we are currently attending an Episcopal church; and over the past 6+ years, whether because of the intensity of our life experiences, or because of this church specifically, or both, my faith has been greatly enriched. I also am part of a Bible-study group which is just starting the Women of the Bible. I can already say I have learned from/been affected by this book...and we are only into week two. All I can say is, God was there at my beginning and he'll be there when my days here are done....it is a good thing to get to know Him. It has helped me deal with my life already.
More books later!
J.
I still haven't finished reading "Uncle Tom's Cabin".....ugh. It just hasn't been a "page-turner" for me. I still want to finish it, but I think I would be somewhat more interested in reading about the affect/influence the book had on the whole slavery issue, and even possibly on the whole African-American/black experience in the U.S.
I just started reading Lonesome Dove - yes, this is the book upon which the t.v. show (? or movie?) was based. I think there was also a "Return to Lonesome Dove" which was definitely a t.v. show. I'm not too far into it, but I already like it. Very vivid. It is a western, which is a genre I'm not very familiar with; it is also a really long book, so we'll see how I last with this.
You'll also notice, on that list, a few titles with an obvious working on my faith life emphasis (The Jesus I Never Knew, Women of the Bible). Do not be scared, do not be alarmed - I am not what is stereotypically called a "Bible thumper". I'm just in the middle of a very difficult process, called "trying to figure myself out". And, folks, I have tried to depend only on myself, and my knowledge of myself up to this point - and it has not been successful. I am a regular church-goer and have been my whole life. I grew up Catholic, and B and I made the choice in 2003 to search out a church where, to put it very simply, we could both partake of Communion. Thus we are currently attending an Episcopal church; and over the past 6+ years, whether because of the intensity of our life experiences, or because of this church specifically, or both, my faith has been greatly enriched. I also am part of a Bible-study group which is just starting the Women of the Bible. I can already say I have learned from/been affected by this book...and we are only into week two. All I can say is, God was there at my beginning and he'll be there when my days here are done....it is a good thing to get to know Him. It has helped me deal with my life already.
More books later!
J.
PWS questions #2
Q. "What is 'GH therapy', and why do children with Prader-Willi Syndrome often do this?"
My answer: "GH therapy" stands for growth hormone therapy. Children who have Prader-Willi Syndrome are, very often, given daily injections of human growth hormone. In June 2000 growth hormone was the first (and to date the only) drug approved by the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of Prader-Willi syndrome. GH therapy, if not covered by health insurance (or Medicaid, or a combination) would cost around $12,000 a year. Families living outside the United States often have a much more difficult time starting their children on GH th. before the age of two, and sometimes it is difficult to obtain it at all. It has been shown, by clinical studies done within the last 5 years, that GH therapy can (in most cases) be safely begun in infants, and also that it continues to provide benefits in individuals-with-PWS all the way up through adulthood. However, GH therapy is not a "cure" for PWS. It definitely does help make some aspects of the syndrome more manageable. But it is not a mandatory treatment, and there are parents who choose not to pursue it with their child.
So, what does GH th. do for individuals with PWS? Well, that word "growth" provides some idea of the benefits of the daily injections. But there is a whole list of benefits, "including but not limited to improvements in lean body mass, decreased body fat, increased bone mineral density, normalization of adult height, improved strength, agility, motor development, improved nitrogen balance, and improved energy expenditure" (quoted from the Clinical Advisory Board Consensus Statement from PWSA(USA.) ). For S, I firmly believe that she would not be doing as well as she is, at the moment, had we not started GH therapy. We began this with her when she was just 10 months old, but clearly, reading the above list of benefits of the therapy and having met adults who have recently begun GH shots, it is beneficial for individuals-with-PWS regardless of when they begin it.
S does not mind the injections. Even with the heightened pain tolerance which is part of the syndrome, she does still feel the needle, but I think she is used to it, and B and I just get through it and make as little fuss about it as possible. If we were to really zero in on whatever pain she might feel from the injections, the process would quickly become a huge production - and I have no desire to have to pin S down to do the shots. I'm sure she feels it. She occasionally has bruises in her injection sites (left and right thighs, left and right buttocks). In time we may be able to add left/right sides of the abdomen as well). At some point she will probably be really excited to be able to give herself the shots - she is really, really interested in anything medical in nature (she'd probably request her own box of those plastic gloves).
So, that is my "explanation" of growth hormone therapy!
Jen
My answer: "GH therapy" stands for growth hormone therapy. Children who have Prader-Willi Syndrome are, very often, given daily injections of human growth hormone. In June 2000 growth hormone was the first (and to date the only) drug approved by the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of Prader-Willi syndrome. GH therapy, if not covered by health insurance (or Medicaid, or a combination) would cost around $12,000 a year. Families living outside the United States often have a much more difficult time starting their children on GH th. before the age of two, and sometimes it is difficult to obtain it at all. It has been shown, by clinical studies done within the last 5 years, that GH therapy can (in most cases) be safely begun in infants, and also that it continues to provide benefits in individuals-with-PWS all the way up through adulthood. However, GH therapy is not a "cure" for PWS. It definitely does help make some aspects of the syndrome more manageable. But it is not a mandatory treatment, and there are parents who choose not to pursue it with their child.
So, what does GH th. do for individuals with PWS? Well, that word "growth" provides some idea of the benefits of the daily injections. But there is a whole list of benefits, "including but not limited to improvements in lean body mass, decreased body fat, increased bone mineral density, normalization of adult height, improved strength, agility, motor development, improved nitrogen balance, and improved energy expenditure" (quoted from the Clinical Advisory Board Consensus Statement from PWSA(USA.) ). For S, I firmly believe that she would not be doing as well as she is, at the moment, had we not started GH therapy. We began this with her when she was just 10 months old, but clearly, reading the above list of benefits of the therapy and having met adults who have recently begun GH shots, it is beneficial for individuals-with-PWS regardless of when they begin it.
S does not mind the injections. Even with the heightened pain tolerance which is part of the syndrome, she does still feel the needle, but I think she is used to it, and B and I just get through it and make as little fuss about it as possible. If we were to really zero in on whatever pain she might feel from the injections, the process would quickly become a huge production - and I have no desire to have to pin S down to do the shots. I'm sure she feels it. She occasionally has bruises in her injection sites (left and right thighs, left and right buttocks). In time we may be able to add left/right sides of the abdomen as well). At some point she will probably be really excited to be able to give herself the shots - she is really, really interested in anything medical in nature (she'd probably request her own box of those plastic gloves).
So, that is my "explanation" of growth hormone therapy!
Jen
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
PWS questions
Hi all,
One thing I want to do with this blog, especially for friends/family/acquaintances who may be reading and who may have questions about Prader-Willi Syndrome and how we live with it, is answer some of those questions. Or at least, provide answers to some of the questions which I think the general public might ask, if given the opportunity. So here goes, question #1:
Q. "Since S has PWS and, because of that you are supposed to be counting her calories and watching what she eats, why then do you still go to McDonald's or go out to eat?"
A. Ah, yes. The McDonald's question. Well, I guess my first response is that, even though S does have PWS, and even though that does dictate a good deal of what and how I feed my family, PWS doesn't - and can't - control every single aspect of our lives. Perhaps if S were and only child, as a family we would definitely live differently. But, she is not an only child - we have two daughters, and K does not have any eating restrictions. She doesn't even have any food allergies, and she doesn't have any weight problems. In addition, she is a busy 6th-grader who, two evenings a week, takes a dance class at a studio which is at least 20 minutes away. Because of that and the time at which her classes happen, the dinner choices on those two evenings are affected, whether I like it or not. So my options on those two days are these: eat out (hence McD's for one of those days), or eat dinner at home at what I consider to be an insane hour (4:30), or pack some kind of "dinner" into a cooler and eat it at the dance studio.
However, sometimes, even with the presence of PWS, parents have to make choices. Because I am able to purchase a calorie-restricted meal for S at McD's, I choose to do that so that the hours surrounding our excursion to the dance studio don't turn into a huge production - which in and of itself would definitely "up the stress level" for myself and the girls. I try to make life as simple as possible for all of us, while still attempting (for the most part, successfully) to keep S as healthy as possible. (And please spare me the "McD's food is the least healthy food on the planet lecture". Thanks.) I have said this before: even with a PWS diagnosis, my family does not live in a vacuum where everything can be dictated by the vagaries of the syndrome. Does S's health still take priority, when we are having a meal? Yes, indeed it does. Do we still control her portions, and consistently remind her that we have to follow the rules when it comes to food? Yes, indeed we do. At the same time, I am required to find a livable middle road between one child who has food-based health concerns, and an older child who has none. S's imperative is "when will we eat next, and what will it be?" K's current imperative is living life as similar as possible to the way she sees her peers living it. My current imperative is somehow find the livable center amongst the two of them, while maintaining my sanity. Does this sometimes mean eating out, and as we do so making the healthieast choices we can for S? Yes. Much as the PWS purists out there might disapprove, this is what we have found, that works for us. Some families go completely vegan/vegetarian/glutein-free/low-carb/high protein, as soon as the PWS diagnosis enters their lives. Some families completely stop going out to eat at all. Some families swear off any and all foods that they consider "unhealthy". Whatever works for them is fine, and if their child/children are still well-cared for and healthy, and thriving, then they've made reasonable choices. In our case, B and I chose to keep our lifestyle as even-keeled, and realistic, as possible - especially because we have two children. After all, it is possible that we won't be the only ones caring for S her whole life; and we ourselves don't live in a bubble.
I guess the bottom line, in answering a question like this, is just as PWS manifests differently for every child diagnosed, so does that child's family adjust to and deal with it differently. What works for us and for S, might not work for another child/family. I know there are probably quite a few parents out there who might judge me quite harshly for how we deal with things. But, it is what it is, and we do the best we can - and for all of our potential mistakes in this area, S seems to be doing just fine.
J.
One thing I want to do with this blog, especially for friends/family/acquaintances who may be reading and who may have questions about Prader-Willi Syndrome and how we live with it, is answer some of those questions. Or at least, provide answers to some of the questions which I think the general public might ask, if given the opportunity. So here goes, question #1:
Q. "Since S has PWS and, because of that you are supposed to be counting her calories and watching what she eats, why then do you still go to McDonald's or go out to eat?"
A. Ah, yes. The McDonald's question. Well, I guess my first response is that, even though S does have PWS, and even though that does dictate a good deal of what and how I feed my family, PWS doesn't - and can't - control every single aspect of our lives. Perhaps if S were and only child, as a family we would definitely live differently. But, she is not an only child - we have two daughters, and K does not have any eating restrictions. She doesn't even have any food allergies, and she doesn't have any weight problems. In addition, she is a busy 6th-grader who, two evenings a week, takes a dance class at a studio which is at least 20 minutes away. Because of that and the time at which her classes happen, the dinner choices on those two evenings are affected, whether I like it or not. So my options on those two days are these: eat out (hence McD's for one of those days), or eat dinner at home at what I consider to be an insane hour (4:30), or pack some kind of "dinner" into a cooler and eat it at the dance studio.
However, sometimes, even with the presence of PWS, parents have to make choices. Because I am able to purchase a calorie-restricted meal for S at McD's, I choose to do that so that the hours surrounding our excursion to the dance studio don't turn into a huge production - which in and of itself would definitely "up the stress level" for myself and the girls. I try to make life as simple as possible for all of us, while still attempting (for the most part, successfully) to keep S as healthy as possible. (And please spare me the "McD's food is the least healthy food on the planet lecture". Thanks.) I have said this before: even with a PWS diagnosis, my family does not live in a vacuum where everything can be dictated by the vagaries of the syndrome. Does S's health still take priority, when we are having a meal? Yes, indeed it does. Do we still control her portions, and consistently remind her that we have to follow the rules when it comes to food? Yes, indeed we do. At the same time, I am required to find a livable middle road between one child who has food-based health concerns, and an older child who has none. S's imperative is "when will we eat next, and what will it be?" K's current imperative is living life as similar as possible to the way she sees her peers living it. My current imperative is somehow find the livable center amongst the two of them, while maintaining my sanity. Does this sometimes mean eating out, and as we do so making the healthieast choices we can for S? Yes. Much as the PWS purists out there might disapprove, this is what we have found, that works for us. Some families go completely vegan/vegetarian/glutein-free/low-carb/high protein, as soon as the PWS diagnosis enters their lives. Some families completely stop going out to eat at all. Some families swear off any and all foods that they consider "unhealthy". Whatever works for them is fine, and if their child/children are still well-cared for and healthy, and thriving, then they've made reasonable choices. In our case, B and I chose to keep our lifestyle as even-keeled, and realistic, as possible - especially because we have two children. After all, it is possible that we won't be the only ones caring for S her whole life; and we ourselves don't live in a bubble.
I guess the bottom line, in answering a question like this, is just as PWS manifests differently for every child diagnosed, so does that child's family adjust to and deal with it differently. What works for us and for S, might not work for another child/family. I know there are probably quite a few parents out there who might judge me quite harshly for how we deal with things. But, it is what it is, and we do the best we can - and for all of our potential mistakes in this area, S seems to be doing just fine.
J.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Yikes, what a weekend
I guess I should make some things clear, so that those reading this who actually know me don't get the wrong idea.
I hesitated even using the word "divorce" in my post just previous. It is such a powerful word, and I do not throw it around lightly. Every marriage has problems, and we all know that. And I am fairly certain that every married person, at one point or another, daydreams fondly of what life would be like were they free of the responsibilities and demands of marriage/parenting. Co-habitating with another human is one of the most challenging things to do - so challenging, in fact, that I wonder how so many of us manage to do it. I mean, do we all really want another human in our space all day, every day, with their quirks and noises and irritating habits? It is very hard, let me tell you. The capacity of "love", whether romantic or Christian, to withstand all things and forgive all things is truly tested when two people live together. At this point, for B and me, some things definitely do need to change on my part, going forward. Because, if they don't, I'm not sure what will happen. Or rather, I do know what might happen, and I shudder to think of what that would do to K and S.
This weekend was certainly not the first time my husband and I have gotten into extremely hostile conversations. We have been under an increased amount of stress since we became parents at all, let alone parents of a special-needs child. B and I have definitely had problems. Maybe they started soon after we married...probably so, since in some aspects the problems have their basis in my personality, and I was obviously there from the start! You see, I don't remember having those romantic, sentimental, warm-fuzzy thoughts about being married, or even having daydreams about "having someone to love". If you go by the commercials on t.v., young people getting married are supposedly having constant daydreams about their future life with their spouse. You know, the little home they'll have together, the little family they'll start, how wonderful it will be to do everything together. I honestly do not remember having those daydreams. Other than the basic, obvious details of moving in together, opening a joint checking account, that kind of thing - other than that, I didn't really, truly consider what being married really meant.
It means sharing, folks. Lots and lots and lots of sharing. You share your love, your space, your bed, your money, your time, your habits, your food choices, your decorating tendencies....it's all gotta be mutual, and inevitably, one of the newly married young people is going to have to compromise (read: "give in"). And I definitely did not grow up with parents who shared, were affectionate, compromised...or even, by the time I came along, exhibited any ability to be civil to each other. My mother had put her walls up years before, and by golly she was not going to leave herself vulnerable in any way, which meant that she had pretty much shut my father out of her life. So that was my example, as far as married relationships went. So the whole idea of being vulnerable to another person, for the sake of love, that's just not part of my psyche. And not only am I suffering and struggling because of it, I am hurting my own little family as well...this weekend provided vivid proof of that, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure K is convinced that her parents will be parting ways soon.
The only thing, or rather one of the bigger things, that will keep that from happening is if I somehow work on my trust issues, and hopefully in the process, somehow come to believe I am worthy of love....I guess? I'm just foraging around, at this point, trying to figure out what to do, trying to salvage something out of the mess I have made. I'm not saying B is perfect, and it takes both spouses to make or break a marriage, so I refuse to lay all of our problems at my feet. But, wow, this weekend was really awful. I am very nervous; going forward from here, if I am to really listen and remember and pay attention to some of the things B said this weekend, I will need to make some changes. I do a lot of thinking about myself, MY needs, how life has done ME wrong, what I want to do, why life hasn't been fair to ME. And yet, I have so, so much to be thankful for, you know? I mean, I am able to sit right here, with my mug of coffee, in a quiet and peaceful house, and write - and how much of a blessing is that? It doesn't change the fact that there is laundry to do and I will be doing it - again; or that there are piles of paperwork to do and I will be taking care of that - again. I don't know. Life is such a mixed bag. I have a good life. Should I just be thankful for it, and move on?
So bewildered and mentally tired,
J.
I hesitated even using the word "divorce" in my post just previous. It is such a powerful word, and I do not throw it around lightly. Every marriage has problems, and we all know that. And I am fairly certain that every married person, at one point or another, daydreams fondly of what life would be like were they free of the responsibilities and demands of marriage/parenting. Co-habitating with another human is one of the most challenging things to do - so challenging, in fact, that I wonder how so many of us manage to do it. I mean, do we all really want another human in our space all day, every day, with their quirks and noises and irritating habits? It is very hard, let me tell you. The capacity of "love", whether romantic or Christian, to withstand all things and forgive all things is truly tested when two people live together. At this point, for B and me, some things definitely do need to change on my part, going forward. Because, if they don't, I'm not sure what will happen. Or rather, I do know what might happen, and I shudder to think of what that would do to K and S.
This weekend was certainly not the first time my husband and I have gotten into extremely hostile conversations. We have been under an increased amount of stress since we became parents at all, let alone parents of a special-needs child. B and I have definitely had problems. Maybe they started soon after we married...probably so, since in some aspects the problems have their basis in my personality, and I was obviously there from the start! You see, I don't remember having those romantic, sentimental, warm-fuzzy thoughts about being married, or even having daydreams about "having someone to love". If you go by the commercials on t.v., young people getting married are supposedly having constant daydreams about their future life with their spouse. You know, the little home they'll have together, the little family they'll start, how wonderful it will be to do everything together. I honestly do not remember having those daydreams. Other than the basic, obvious details of moving in together, opening a joint checking account, that kind of thing - other than that, I didn't really, truly consider what being married really meant.
It means sharing, folks. Lots and lots and lots of sharing. You share your love, your space, your bed, your money, your time, your habits, your food choices, your decorating tendencies....it's all gotta be mutual, and inevitably, one of the newly married young people is going to have to compromise (read: "give in"). And I definitely did not grow up with parents who shared, were affectionate, compromised...or even, by the time I came along, exhibited any ability to be civil to each other. My mother had put her walls up years before, and by golly she was not going to leave herself vulnerable in any way, which meant that she had pretty much shut my father out of her life. So that was my example, as far as married relationships went. So the whole idea of being vulnerable to another person, for the sake of love, that's just not part of my psyche. And not only am I suffering and struggling because of it, I am hurting my own little family as well...this weekend provided vivid proof of that, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure K is convinced that her parents will be parting ways soon.
The only thing, or rather one of the bigger things, that will keep that from happening is if I somehow work on my trust issues, and hopefully in the process, somehow come to believe I am worthy of love....I guess? I'm just foraging around, at this point, trying to figure out what to do, trying to salvage something out of the mess I have made. I'm not saying B is perfect, and it takes both spouses to make or break a marriage, so I refuse to lay all of our problems at my feet. But, wow, this weekend was really awful. I am very nervous; going forward from here, if I am to really listen and remember and pay attention to some of the things B said this weekend, I will need to make some changes. I do a lot of thinking about myself, MY needs, how life has done ME wrong, what I want to do, why life hasn't been fair to ME. And yet, I have so, so much to be thankful for, you know? I mean, I am able to sit right here, with my mug of coffee, in a quiet and peaceful house, and write - and how much of a blessing is that? It doesn't change the fact that there is laundry to do and I will be doing it - again; or that there are piles of paperwork to do and I will be taking care of that - again. I don't know. Life is such a mixed bag. I have a good life. Should I just be thankful for it, and move on?
So bewildered and mentally tired,
J.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Adam, Eve, the apple, and marriage
Not the greatest day, today. It started off well, something gave my husband the idea to do breakfast in bed for me, so I was woken up by him and K and S, saying "Happy New Year" and presenting me with a tray and a mug of coffee. Not bad, and totally unexpected. I don't think I've ever had breakfast in bed.
Last night sucked, however, and during our drive to my in-laws' house for lunch, B and I got into another argument which, by the time we were within sight of his parents' house, got pretty ugly. K went into the house crying, and I was sooo very tempted to restart the car, and drive away. After all, given the words B and I exchanged in the car, and were he to have repeated to his family any of what I said to him in the car, the in-laws' house was technically in that moment enemy territory. To put it more simply, should B and I get divorced, I would most definitely never be welcome in my in-laws' house again, and I have no doubt that B's sister would be happy to tear my personality apart.
Marriage is really, really hard. It is probably harder, overall, than the effort and drive and perseverance it takes to climb Mt. Everest. Why? Because marriage is made up of so many valleys, and a precious few peaks. I'm not good at being a married person, and it becomes more and more clear to me that this is because I am not good at sharing. I don't trust humans, and sharing involves trusting others to some extent. Sharing one's life within the context of being married involves making oneself vulnerable....very, very vulnerable. As I said to B today, in a marriage, someone is always being taken advantage of. Always. That can really stink, you know?
Let me tell you the scenario that ignited today's very hostile conversation in the car. It is somewhat of a tradition that every year on New Year's Day, B sprinkles birdseed on the front step, for good luck. Well, I had purchased some birdseed last week, for just this purpose, and had already threw some out on the patio - I can't really just throw it into the backyard as Henry (the dog) would probably eat it. However, over the past few days I had realized that throwing it on the patio wasn't the greatest idea, as the birds generally leave the bits they don't like, and those were getting tracked into the family room every time we took Henry in/outside. Which meant, generally speaking, that throwing birdseed on the patio would inevitably mean more vacuuming for me (of B and I, I do the vacuuming much more often). So today, when I saw that he had thrown birdseed all over the patio and on the back step, I got the broom and swept most of it off to the side, right before I got in the car. I then get into the car, and explain to him why I did that, since he had just thrown it there. I believe I also said, "you're not the one who will be vacuuming all the birdseed off the family-room carpet, so don't make more work for me by throwing birdseed on the patio". So this turned into a hostile discussion which lasted pretty much all the way to his parents' house. Good times. Given what we were saying to each other, K got pretty upset and starting crying. It was unpleasant all the way around. After B and the kids went into the house I sat in the car thinking, somehow I just have to get through this day. B and I did talk some, while at his parents' house, but we didn't solve anything. Life will go on, just as it always does after stuff like this. Maybe I'm petty, sniping at him about the birdseed, because I am the one feeling taken advantage of, most of the time. I very much dislike being on the receiving end of someone else's assumption that, because I'm the wife or the mother, therefore I'm supposed to clean up after everyone AND smile with happiness while I'm doing it - as if that's all I ever wanted to do with my life is be the maid.
That's what really gets to me about the whole structure of marriage, especially where there are children involved. I mean, is that my trade-off, here? Because he's the one out there earning the money, I'm then expected to clean the house/raise the children/take care of everything - or else? Think about it. If I were to say, I can't stomach the unfairness of marriage anymore, and B didn't like this and decided to file for divorce - I'd be left with nothing, right? I'd pretty much be reduced to poverty level, because as a "housewife" I'm not earning a paycheck. I have no pension plan, no 401K, no health insurance. I'm dependent upon my husband for all of that, at the moment. Could I go out and get my own job right now, and so provide myself with some financial safety in these areas? Not really, because then in my opinion, K's and S's lives would be thrown into unhealthy turmoil, at least for a little while. If I decided I really didn't want to deal with the unfairness of the marital relationship anymore, and filed for divorce myself, I would instantly plunge not only myself but also my kids into poverty-level living, simply because I do not have, nor could I earn anytime soon, the salary that my husband makes. The health insurance that covers the medical needs of my children might be thrown into jeopardy. Where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Right now, at this time in my life, "marriage" means sucking it up and being the maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary (a role which I often find thankless, demeaning, and demoralizing), as a trade-off for being married to a responsible adult to who goes to work, works hard, and earns a paycheck to pay the bills.
Do you see what I mean, about marriage creating a situation where one of the spouses is very, very vulnerable and almost certainly taken advantage of? "But wait", you say, "what about the love you enjoy from your husband and children? What about the supposed fulfillment involved with being married, with having a companion for life? What about the blessing it is is be able to stay home with your kids?" Ummmm.......well, I guess those are great things - but I can't pay the water bill with those great things. Unfortunately, our society doesn't care about any of that, when it comes to paying the bills. And I say again, I only 'get' those things IF I'm willing to continue on in the thankless, demoralizing roles of maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary. That, my friends, is a very costly trade-off. Very costly. It is starting to cost me my sanity. The unfairness inherent in the institution of marriage just stuns me, most of the time.
But, on the other hand, maybe I'm reading the situation all wrong. I'm certain there are PLENTY of people out there who would look at my situation and say I'm absolutely insane for complaining about any of this. That I have a good man for a husband, we are able to (just) pay the bills (most of the time), our kids are pretty healthy overall, and we live in a safe neighborhood, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I am totally crazy, I don't know. B says he just wants me to be happy....but I'm really afraid that what would make me happy would be to be on my own, not married, not responsible for the kids 24/7. What right do I have to screw up his life, and the kids' lives, by going off on my own? Are they happier with me, or better off without me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
The title of this post comes from a thought I had, sometime in the last week or two - if Adam and Eve had never eaten that blasted apple, what would "marriage" look like today? Would it be more fair, for both parties? Would men play more of a role in the hands-on aspects of raising children and caring for a house? Would women then have and equal opportunity to use their skills and talents in the working world? Would committing oneself to one person for life be as hard? I wonder.
This is me, folks. This is real.
J.
Last night sucked, however, and during our drive to my in-laws' house for lunch, B and I got into another argument which, by the time we were within sight of his parents' house, got pretty ugly. K went into the house crying, and I was sooo very tempted to restart the car, and drive away. After all, given the words B and I exchanged in the car, and were he to have repeated to his family any of what I said to him in the car, the in-laws' house was technically in that moment enemy territory. To put it more simply, should B and I get divorced, I would most definitely never be welcome in my in-laws' house again, and I have no doubt that B's sister would be happy to tear my personality apart.
Marriage is really, really hard. It is probably harder, overall, than the effort and drive and perseverance it takes to climb Mt. Everest. Why? Because marriage is made up of so many valleys, and a precious few peaks. I'm not good at being a married person, and it becomes more and more clear to me that this is because I am not good at sharing. I don't trust humans, and sharing involves trusting others to some extent. Sharing one's life within the context of being married involves making oneself vulnerable....very, very vulnerable. As I said to B today, in a marriage, someone is always being taken advantage of. Always. That can really stink, you know?
Let me tell you the scenario that ignited today's very hostile conversation in the car. It is somewhat of a tradition that every year on New Year's Day, B sprinkles birdseed on the front step, for good luck. Well, I had purchased some birdseed last week, for just this purpose, and had already threw some out on the patio - I can't really just throw it into the backyard as Henry (the dog) would probably eat it. However, over the past few days I had realized that throwing it on the patio wasn't the greatest idea, as the birds generally leave the bits they don't like, and those were getting tracked into the family room every time we took Henry in/outside. Which meant, generally speaking, that throwing birdseed on the patio would inevitably mean more vacuuming for me (of B and I, I do the vacuuming much more often). So today, when I saw that he had thrown birdseed all over the patio and on the back step, I got the broom and swept most of it off to the side, right before I got in the car. I then get into the car, and explain to him why I did that, since he had just thrown it there. I believe I also said, "you're not the one who will be vacuuming all the birdseed off the family-room carpet, so don't make more work for me by throwing birdseed on the patio". So this turned into a hostile discussion which lasted pretty much all the way to his parents' house. Good times. Given what we were saying to each other, K got pretty upset and starting crying. It was unpleasant all the way around. After B and the kids went into the house I sat in the car thinking, somehow I just have to get through this day. B and I did talk some, while at his parents' house, but we didn't solve anything. Life will go on, just as it always does after stuff like this. Maybe I'm petty, sniping at him about the birdseed, because I am the one feeling taken advantage of, most of the time. I very much dislike being on the receiving end of someone else's assumption that, because I'm the wife or the mother, therefore I'm supposed to clean up after everyone AND smile with happiness while I'm doing it - as if that's all I ever wanted to do with my life is be the maid.
That's what really gets to me about the whole structure of marriage, especially where there are children involved. I mean, is that my trade-off, here? Because he's the one out there earning the money, I'm then expected to clean the house/raise the children/take care of everything - or else? Think about it. If I were to say, I can't stomach the unfairness of marriage anymore, and B didn't like this and decided to file for divorce - I'd be left with nothing, right? I'd pretty much be reduced to poverty level, because as a "housewife" I'm not earning a paycheck. I have no pension plan, no 401K, no health insurance. I'm dependent upon my husband for all of that, at the moment. Could I go out and get my own job right now, and so provide myself with some financial safety in these areas? Not really, because then in my opinion, K's and S's lives would be thrown into unhealthy turmoil, at least for a little while. If I decided I really didn't want to deal with the unfairness of the marital relationship anymore, and filed for divorce myself, I would instantly plunge not only myself but also my kids into poverty-level living, simply because I do not have, nor could I earn anytime soon, the salary that my husband makes. The health insurance that covers the medical needs of my children might be thrown into jeopardy. Where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Right now, at this time in my life, "marriage" means sucking it up and being the maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary (a role which I often find thankless, demeaning, and demoralizing), as a trade-off for being married to a responsible adult to who goes to work, works hard, and earns a paycheck to pay the bills.
Do you see what I mean, about marriage creating a situation where one of the spouses is very, very vulnerable and almost certainly taken advantage of? "But wait", you say, "what about the love you enjoy from your husband and children? What about the supposed fulfillment involved with being married, with having a companion for life? What about the blessing it is is be able to stay home with your kids?" Ummmm.......well, I guess those are great things - but I can't pay the water bill with those great things. Unfortunately, our society doesn't care about any of that, when it comes to paying the bills. And I say again, I only 'get' those things IF I'm willing to continue on in the thankless, demoralizing roles of maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary. That, my friends, is a very costly trade-off. Very costly. It is starting to cost me my sanity. The unfairness inherent in the institution of marriage just stuns me, most of the time.
But, on the other hand, maybe I'm reading the situation all wrong. I'm certain there are PLENTY of people out there who would look at my situation and say I'm absolutely insane for complaining about any of this. That I have a good man for a husband, we are able to (just) pay the bills (most of the time), our kids are pretty healthy overall, and we live in a safe neighborhood, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I am totally crazy, I don't know. B says he just wants me to be happy....but I'm really afraid that what would make me happy would be to be on my own, not married, not responsible for the kids 24/7. What right do I have to screw up his life, and the kids' lives, by going off on my own? Are they happier with me, or better off without me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
The title of this post comes from a thought I had, sometime in the last week or two - if Adam and Eve had never eaten that blasted apple, what would "marriage" look like today? Would it be more fair, for both parties? Would men play more of a role in the hands-on aspects of raising children and caring for a house? Would women then have and equal opportunity to use their skills and talents in the working world? Would committing oneself to one person for life be as hard? I wonder.
This is me, folks. This is real.
J.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Just for fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeA1OGQPds8
K and S got these toys for Christmas. Some of the more amusing toys they've gotten for presents. Not annoying, which can't always be said for noise-making toys.
J.
K and S got these toys for Christmas. Some of the more amusing toys they've gotten for presents. Not annoying, which can't always be said for noise-making toys.
J.
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