I know, I know, I'm stating the obvious. I'm stating something I should probably know by now, after 15+ years of it.
I put a post on here, earlier today, which summarized quite succinctly the state of things, here, in my marriage, lately. It was only up for about 2.5 seconds, so only two people (that I know of) read it. I quickly took it down, because while was it the truth as I see it, it still isn't fair to my husband to post such things on my public blog, where he has no opportunity to give his side of things. That post was from my perspective - neither right nor wrong, but perhaps not accurate from his perspective.
Being married is hard, for me...for several reasons. First, I don't come from a background of having happily married parents. I've written about that in previous posts (under the 'marriage' subject heading, probably), so I won't get into again here. Secondly, I take meds for depression/anxiety - and while I am glad to have access to drugs which help, said drugs don't completely erase the reasons for which I take them. In other words, my demeanor/personality are still affected by depression/anxiety. Third, I am not by nature a bubbly person, and so the stresses that come with parenting/marriage REALLY flatten out whatever bit of "bubbly-ness" I may have left, at my age. Sometimes just getting through the day is a struggle...I don't have much left, through all that, for "bubbly". Plus, parenting a special-needs-child is SUCH a balancing act, sometimes, between B and I. I'm here the most - heck, I'm the stay-at-home parent - and so S gets used to my way of doing things. Keep in mind, this is a kid who needs structure and routine. So when B sticks his neck out, and either does something different or suggests handling something a different way, voila, our parenting styles clash and S gets upset. This happens often, unfortunately, making a tense situation worse.
My life is pretty good, all things considered. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I do actually feel okay about where I'm at, right now. I guess I'm just not comfortable being expressive, and showing that I feel that way about my life. Which thus makes my husband believe that I'm consistently angry...miserable...angry...etc....and while I will admit to having been angry about various things for a long while, I'm not anymore.
So tired.
Later,
Jen
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Rahna Reiki Rizzuto - Right or Wrong?
Over the past few days, I have been participating in a thread over on BlogFrog, in the S.I.F. community, regarding a woman named (Rahna) Reiki Rizzuto.
Wow, I am mentally tired from that particular cyber-conversation. It was very intense, and I think I will stay away from BlogFrog for tonight, because participating in that thread left me jittery and anxious, today. But, I do want to write this out here on my blog, not only because this woman's story is compelling but also because the BF conversation left me wanting to clarify my own thoughts about the concept of "motherhood". I'm not sure I can do that in one post...like I said, the conversation on BlogFrog became quite heated and more than a little complex.
Here is a link to the video of the interview with Ms. Rizzuto, which aired on March 3. The transcript of the interview is here. And, here is a link to an article from http://www.salon.com/, written by Ms. Rizzuto herself.
The story in a nutshell is this: Ten years ago, Ms. Rizzuto went to Japan for six months, to do research for a book. Her husband encouraged her to do this. They have two sons, who were at that time 3 and 5 years old. Prior to having children, it sounds like Ms. Rizzuto had not wanted to have children but her husband "begged her" and said all she had to do was have them, and he'd take care of everything. Well, after those six months in Japan (during which it became apparent to RR and her then husband that their marriage was in trouble), RR returned to the states, she and her husband divorced, and she agreed to her husband having primary physical custody of the boys, but they also agreed on a joint custody arrangement. She chose to find a house down the street from her ex-husband's house, she sees her children frequently throughout any given week...she ultimately feels she's a better mother now than she would have been otherwise.
There are scads of people ready to rip this woman apart, for the choices she made. She's been called a crappy mother, a poor excuse for a parent, a terrible person, a terrible woman, a money-grubbing author using her children - and her presumably awful decision to have their own father be the full-time parent (gasp!) - to make a buck.
I do not think that the choices she made mean she is a bad person, or a bad mother. She did not, as many are accusing, "abandon" her children. She ultimately spends about the same amount of time with them, over the course of 7 days, that many working fathers spend with their children. Her children seem to be living in a arrangement which, while different from the status quo, still leaves them supposedly well-cared for by their father, their step-mother, and their mother who lives down the street. I think the fact that a woman willingly gave up the primary caregiver responsibilities for her children is what has everyone gasping and condemning her. Because women aren't, I guess, supposed to want anything other than to have children and then lose their entire identity in those children. Because it is apparently unforgivable (even though her ex-husband begged her to have children, even though he obviously knew she wasn't the motherly "type") to expect that a child's father should ever have to do the day-in, day-out nitty gritties of parenting. It is apparently unforgivable to think that perhaps women might want what men have had lots and lots of, throughout history - the freedom to have children and then go back to their regularly-scheduled life.
Now, understand that I do know that parenting is a commitment. I do believe that the very moment a man and a woman decide to be intimate, let alone decide outright to have a baby, their first priority becomes the child if one is conceived. Even if they get divorced, that priority doesn't change. But I don't believe that becoming a parent nullifies who someone is as a person, or who they were before children. I believe women have value as humans first and foremost - whether or not they ever have children. I believe that if a woman has God-given talents and skills (and yes I do believe those come from God), she is required to explore those talents. I believe that parenting children - while one of the most important jobs God gave humans - was never meant to be a women-only pursuit, and I believe that both women and men can be wonderful primary caregivers.
I hope, if there's anyone reading this, that you will take the time to click on the links above. What you'll read and watch/hear tells at least some of her story, better than I can. Also, if you belong to BlogFrog, you can find the thread in the S.I.F. community, titled "Leaving the family she never wanted. Reiki Rizzuto".
Thank you for reading!
Later,
Jen
Wow, I am mentally tired from that particular cyber-conversation. It was very intense, and I think I will stay away from BlogFrog for tonight, because participating in that thread left me jittery and anxious, today. But, I do want to write this out here on my blog, not only because this woman's story is compelling but also because the BF conversation left me wanting to clarify my own thoughts about the concept of "motherhood". I'm not sure I can do that in one post...like I said, the conversation on BlogFrog became quite heated and more than a little complex.
Here is a link to the video of the interview with Ms. Rizzuto, which aired on March 3. The transcript of the interview is here. And, here is a link to an article from http://www.salon.com/, written by Ms. Rizzuto herself.
The story in a nutshell is this: Ten years ago, Ms. Rizzuto went to Japan for six months, to do research for a book. Her husband encouraged her to do this. They have two sons, who were at that time 3 and 5 years old. Prior to having children, it sounds like Ms. Rizzuto had not wanted to have children but her husband "begged her" and said all she had to do was have them, and he'd take care of everything. Well, after those six months in Japan (during which it became apparent to RR and her then husband that their marriage was in trouble), RR returned to the states, she and her husband divorced, and she agreed to her husband having primary physical custody of the boys, but they also agreed on a joint custody arrangement. She chose to find a house down the street from her ex-husband's house, she sees her children frequently throughout any given week...she ultimately feels she's a better mother now than she would have been otherwise.
There are scads of people ready to rip this woman apart, for the choices she made. She's been called a crappy mother, a poor excuse for a parent, a terrible person, a terrible woman, a money-grubbing author using her children - and her presumably awful decision to have their own father be the full-time parent (gasp!) - to make a buck.
I do not think that the choices she made mean she is a bad person, or a bad mother. She did not, as many are accusing, "abandon" her children. She ultimately spends about the same amount of time with them, over the course of 7 days, that many working fathers spend with their children. Her children seem to be living in a arrangement which, while different from the status quo, still leaves them supposedly well-cared for by their father, their step-mother, and their mother who lives down the street. I think the fact that a woman willingly gave up the primary caregiver responsibilities for her children is what has everyone gasping and condemning her. Because women aren't, I guess, supposed to want anything other than to have children and then lose their entire identity in those children. Because it is apparently unforgivable (even though her ex-husband begged her to have children, even though he obviously knew she wasn't the motherly "type") to expect that a child's father should ever have to do the day-in, day-out nitty gritties of parenting. It is apparently unforgivable to think that perhaps women might want what men have had lots and lots of, throughout history - the freedom to have children and then go back to their regularly-scheduled life.
Now, understand that I do know that parenting is a commitment. I do believe that the very moment a man and a woman decide to be intimate, let alone decide outright to have a baby, their first priority becomes the child if one is conceived. Even if they get divorced, that priority doesn't change. But I don't believe that becoming a parent nullifies who someone is as a person, or who they were before children. I believe women have value as humans first and foremost - whether or not they ever have children. I believe that if a woman has God-given talents and skills (and yes I do believe those come from God), she is required to explore those talents. I believe that parenting children - while one of the most important jobs God gave humans - was never meant to be a women-only pursuit, and I believe that both women and men can be wonderful primary caregivers.
I hope, if there's anyone reading this, that you will take the time to click on the links above. What you'll read and watch/hear tells at least some of her story, better than I can. Also, if you belong to BlogFrog, you can find the thread in the S.I.F. community, titled "Leaving the family she never wanted. Reiki Rizzuto".
Thank you for reading!
Later,
Jen
Monday, January 17, 2011
Question from "BlogFrog"
Hello everyone,
First, a huge thanks to everyone who has visited here. I so appreciate your visit, your comments, your insights!
Second, I thought it might be good to provide some background, not only on our life here but also some insight on the question I posed in BlogFrog, which was this: "Does the title of 'breadwinner' = spouse is the maid?"
I have to admit right off that question was poorly worded. It may have sounded, on first read, that the question reflected something I myself believe to be true, which is definitely NOT the case. In fact, as the discussion progressed, I think I made it pretty clear that I believe exactly the opposite...that I firmly believe whichever partner is out there earning the money is in no way exempt from pitching in with the upkeep of the house, in whichever amount is reasonable and sane for them.
Now, inevitably some of those who responded - and I am so thrilled that people chimed in on the question, I really was/am looking for lots of insight on the issue - got the impression that my own marriage is in deep distress. I invited all of them to come here and read the blog; there aren't hundreds of posts here, of course, but in the "marriage" subject category there are enough to provide some background on where I'm coming from. I will say, very truthfully, that my own marriage has....reached maximum overload as far as stress level, I guess? We've now been married 15 years, and we've known each other/been in our relationship for about 20. So, that first burst of romance/infatuation/etc, well, of course that is waaaaaaaay in the past. Real life takes over, and after the glow wears off, you get down to the nitty gritty business of shlepping through life and trying to stay sane, and pay the bills and do some decent parenting along the way. We are managing, I guess. Becoming special-needs parents added a completely unexpected, constant level of stress and worry to what was already a stressed-out-situation. We have struggled financially, and still are struggling - which is why, when I say I have every appreciation for what B's paycheck means to this family, I really mean it. I perhaps need to show HIM that appreciation, though.
Every marriage has its problems. And, I fully realize that to bring my opinions about marriage, and even the most surface details about my own marriage, into this cyber-reality is going to bring on some seemingly innacurate perceptions about me, about my marriage, about who I am as a married person.
Notice I said, seemingly innacurate perceptions. To be honest? Brutally, searingly honest? Those folks who answered that question in BlogFrog, they clearly "get it" about how to be married, what it means....and they could probably see in one instant that I, clearly, do not get it. Of course counselling was suggested, both marital and personal, which does not surprise me at all. I've been down both of those roads, by the way. They were helpful; we both learned things from that.
Some more background: I am the youngest of 10 children. I have spent most of adult life saying this about my parents' marriage: "they never should have gotten married". Maybe a better thing to say about it is this: My mother should have loved my father without conditions, and my father should have stood up for himself better. As it was, my mother (I think - I was only present for the last 38 years of this) quickly decided that being vulnerable in a marriage relationship wasn't for her, and put up lots and lots of walls to protect herself from being hurt in any way. My father, I think, probably gave up after a while (don't ask me where all the child-having played into this messed-up relationship. I will never know.) - although I do have a very foggy memory of him giving my mother flowers at one point, for something. I don't really know how my father feels about his marriage, and at this point I will probably never know. Unfortunately part of the "collateral damage" involved in my mother's fear of being vulnerable, was that she subtly caused me, early on, to choose sides. As I got older, since she never had anything good to say about my father, and eventually confided in me her bitterness and anger about being married at all, I too began to dislike my father. I long ago lost any opportunity to grow a relationship with my dad - I was on my mother's side for a very, very long time.
Rest assured, my parents are both good people. I had a good childhood, and have lots of good memories and no more than the usual amount of bad ones....I guess. I think my bad memories are more "memories of omission", as in, I don't remember my parents ever speaking kindly to one another. I don't remember a time when my mother wasn't speaking in a hostile, defensive way to my dad. I also don't remember my mother ever giving me the impression that being married, or being a mother, were fulfilling/happy/satisfying ways to live one's life. I don't remember my mother ever saying complimentary things about my father, not in front of him or otherwise. As I got older she started telling me what she told my siblings as well, especially my sisters: "don't get married, and don't have children". [I'll say again, I have already been to counselling.].
What a dichotomy. Here is this ultra-Catholic woman, staying married and having lots of children because the church told her to, turning around and telling her kids "don't get married, and don't have children".
So that's some background on where I'm coming from. I am at a point where I either take a path completely dissimilar to that of my parents in every way (and therefore, very very foreign to my own psyche)....or I give up, decide I'm not strong enough, think only of myself, and head off to Montana or something. [Don't worry, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.] I'm hanging on for dear life, to what God has blessed me with - a great man for a husband who still loves me despite my screwed-up background; two great kids who are just fantastic; and a stable and peaceful life.
By the way, my parents are still married. Still. married. Still living in the same house. I mean, really???
I'm not even sure how to interpret that, anymore. Do I take it as a sign of something positive about their relationship? I'm not sure our lives would have been all that great, had they actually gotten divorced at some point. I and all my siblings have turned out pretty well, all things considered; no jail time (well, none that I know of!), no addictions, we're all pretty stable people with pretty stable lives. But without a doubt, the screwed-up dynamic my parents have cultivated has, no question, affected me and my siblings. Of my nine siblings, one is not married, and of the eight who did marry, four of those got divorced...look at that, there's your 50% divorce statistic, right here in my own family. So, as I said, I am hanging for dear life here, trying to bring myself to a big, screeching halt because I can literally see myself making my parents' mistakes. So when you look at my "Books In The Pile", and you see those faith-based books....those are helping me hang on. I know it takes two people to make a marriage work or not, and undoubtedly B has done his part to make our marriage unpleasant at times. We're all human and nobody is perfect. But, at this point, I'm realizing I can't even expend the energy thinking about what he might be doing wrong, because it may take everything I have just to adjust my own perceptions of married life - and fix what I have been doing wrong - so that I don't screw up the lives of three other people.
Well, that's enough for tonight, I think! Thank you for visiting the blog and reading all this. And don't worry, I am making progress, with God's help (and I'm so thankful for the women in my Bible-study group, hanging with them has been such a blessing!!).
Later,
Jen
First, a huge thanks to everyone who has visited here. I so appreciate your visit, your comments, your insights!
Second, I thought it might be good to provide some background, not only on our life here but also some insight on the question I posed in BlogFrog, which was this: "Does the title of 'breadwinner' = spouse is the maid?"
I have to admit right off that question was poorly worded. It may have sounded, on first read, that the question reflected something I myself believe to be true, which is definitely NOT the case. In fact, as the discussion progressed, I think I made it pretty clear that I believe exactly the opposite...that I firmly believe whichever partner is out there earning the money is in no way exempt from pitching in with the upkeep of the house, in whichever amount is reasonable and sane for them.
Now, inevitably some of those who responded - and I am so thrilled that people chimed in on the question, I really was/am looking for lots of insight on the issue - got the impression that my own marriage is in deep distress. I invited all of them to come here and read the blog; there aren't hundreds of posts here, of course, but in the "marriage" subject category there are enough to provide some background on where I'm coming from. I will say, very truthfully, that my own marriage has....reached maximum overload as far as stress level, I guess? We've now been married 15 years, and we've known each other/been in our relationship for about 20. So, that first burst of romance/infatuation/etc, well, of course that is waaaaaaaay in the past. Real life takes over, and after the glow wears off, you get down to the nitty gritty business of shlepping through life and trying to stay sane, and pay the bills and do some decent parenting along the way. We are managing, I guess. Becoming special-needs parents added a completely unexpected, constant level of stress and worry to what was already a stressed-out-situation. We have struggled financially, and still are struggling - which is why, when I say I have every appreciation for what B's paycheck means to this family, I really mean it. I perhaps need to show HIM that appreciation, though.
Every marriage has its problems. And, I fully realize that to bring my opinions about marriage, and even the most surface details about my own marriage, into this cyber-reality is going to bring on some seemingly innacurate perceptions about me, about my marriage, about who I am as a married person.
Notice I said, seemingly innacurate perceptions. To be honest? Brutally, searingly honest? Those folks who answered that question in BlogFrog, they clearly "get it" about how to be married, what it means....and they could probably see in one instant that I, clearly, do not get it. Of course counselling was suggested, both marital and personal, which does not surprise me at all. I've been down both of those roads, by the way. They were helpful; we both learned things from that.
Some more background: I am the youngest of 10 children. I have spent most of adult life saying this about my parents' marriage: "they never should have gotten married". Maybe a better thing to say about it is this: My mother should have loved my father without conditions, and my father should have stood up for himself better. As it was, my mother (I think - I was only present for the last 38 years of this) quickly decided that being vulnerable in a marriage relationship wasn't for her, and put up lots and lots of walls to protect herself from being hurt in any way. My father, I think, probably gave up after a while (don't ask me where all the child-having played into this messed-up relationship. I will never know.) - although I do have a very foggy memory of him giving my mother flowers at one point, for something. I don't really know how my father feels about his marriage, and at this point I will probably never know. Unfortunately part of the "collateral damage" involved in my mother's fear of being vulnerable, was that she subtly caused me, early on, to choose sides. As I got older, since she never had anything good to say about my father, and eventually confided in me her bitterness and anger about being married at all, I too began to dislike my father. I long ago lost any opportunity to grow a relationship with my dad - I was on my mother's side for a very, very long time.
Rest assured, my parents are both good people. I had a good childhood, and have lots of good memories and no more than the usual amount of bad ones....I guess. I think my bad memories are more "memories of omission", as in, I don't remember my parents ever speaking kindly to one another. I don't remember a time when my mother wasn't speaking in a hostile, defensive way to my dad. I also don't remember my mother ever giving me the impression that being married, or being a mother, were fulfilling/happy/satisfying ways to live one's life. I don't remember my mother ever saying complimentary things about my father, not in front of him or otherwise. As I got older she started telling me what she told my siblings as well, especially my sisters: "don't get married, and don't have children". [I'll say again, I have already been to counselling.].
What a dichotomy. Here is this ultra-Catholic woman, staying married and having lots of children because the church told her to, turning around and telling her kids "don't get married, and don't have children".
So that's some background on where I'm coming from. I am at a point where I either take a path completely dissimilar to that of my parents in every way (and therefore, very very foreign to my own psyche)....or I give up, decide I'm not strong enough, think only of myself, and head off to Montana or something. [Don't worry, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.] I'm hanging on for dear life, to what God has blessed me with - a great man for a husband who still loves me despite my screwed-up background; two great kids who are just fantastic; and a stable and peaceful life.
By the way, my parents are still married. Still. married. Still living in the same house. I mean, really???
I'm not even sure how to interpret that, anymore. Do I take it as a sign of something positive about their relationship? I'm not sure our lives would have been all that great, had they actually gotten divorced at some point. I and all my siblings have turned out pretty well, all things considered; no jail time (well, none that I know of!), no addictions, we're all pretty stable people with pretty stable lives. But without a doubt, the screwed-up dynamic my parents have cultivated has, no question, affected me and my siblings. Of my nine siblings, one is not married, and of the eight who did marry, four of those got divorced...look at that, there's your 50% divorce statistic, right here in my own family. So, as I said, I am hanging for dear life here, trying to bring myself to a big, screeching halt because I can literally see myself making my parents' mistakes. So when you look at my "Books In The Pile", and you see those faith-based books....those are helping me hang on. I know it takes two people to make a marriage work or not, and undoubtedly B has done his part to make our marriage unpleasant at times. We're all human and nobody is perfect. But, at this point, I'm realizing I can't even expend the energy thinking about what he might be doing wrong, because it may take everything I have just to adjust my own perceptions of married life - and fix what I have been doing wrong - so that I don't screw up the lives of three other people.
Well, that's enough for tonight, I think! Thank you for visiting the blog and reading all this. And don't worry, I am making progress, with God's help (and I'm so thankful for the women in my Bible-study group, hanging with them has been such a blessing!!).
Later,
Jen
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Yikes, what a weekend
I guess I should make some things clear, so that those reading this who actually know me don't get the wrong idea.
I hesitated even using the word "divorce" in my post just previous. It is such a powerful word, and I do not throw it around lightly. Every marriage has problems, and we all know that. And I am fairly certain that every married person, at one point or another, daydreams fondly of what life would be like were they free of the responsibilities and demands of marriage/parenting. Co-habitating with another human is one of the most challenging things to do - so challenging, in fact, that I wonder how so many of us manage to do it. I mean, do we all really want another human in our space all day, every day, with their quirks and noises and irritating habits? It is very hard, let me tell you. The capacity of "love", whether romantic or Christian, to withstand all things and forgive all things is truly tested when two people live together. At this point, for B and me, some things definitely do need to change on my part, going forward. Because, if they don't, I'm not sure what will happen. Or rather, I do know what might happen, and I shudder to think of what that would do to K and S.
This weekend was certainly not the first time my husband and I have gotten into extremely hostile conversations. We have been under an increased amount of stress since we became parents at all, let alone parents of a special-needs child. B and I have definitely had problems. Maybe they started soon after we married...probably so, since in some aspects the problems have their basis in my personality, and I was obviously there from the start! You see, I don't remember having those romantic, sentimental, warm-fuzzy thoughts about being married, or even having daydreams about "having someone to love". If you go by the commercials on t.v., young people getting married are supposedly having constant daydreams about their future life with their spouse. You know, the little home they'll have together, the little family they'll start, how wonderful it will be to do everything together. I honestly do not remember having those daydreams. Other than the basic, obvious details of moving in together, opening a joint checking account, that kind of thing - other than that, I didn't really, truly consider what being married really meant.
It means sharing, folks. Lots and lots and lots of sharing. You share your love, your space, your bed, your money, your time, your habits, your food choices, your decorating tendencies....it's all gotta be mutual, and inevitably, one of the newly married young people is going to have to compromise (read: "give in"). And I definitely did not grow up with parents who shared, were affectionate, compromised...or even, by the time I came along, exhibited any ability to be civil to each other. My mother had put her walls up years before, and by golly she was not going to leave herself vulnerable in any way, which meant that she had pretty much shut my father out of her life. So that was my example, as far as married relationships went. So the whole idea of being vulnerable to another person, for the sake of love, that's just not part of my psyche. And not only am I suffering and struggling because of it, I am hurting my own little family as well...this weekend provided vivid proof of that, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure K is convinced that her parents will be parting ways soon.
The only thing, or rather one of the bigger things, that will keep that from happening is if I somehow work on my trust issues, and hopefully in the process, somehow come to believe I am worthy of love....I guess? I'm just foraging around, at this point, trying to figure out what to do, trying to salvage something out of the mess I have made. I'm not saying B is perfect, and it takes both spouses to make or break a marriage, so I refuse to lay all of our problems at my feet. But, wow, this weekend was really awful. I am very nervous; going forward from here, if I am to really listen and remember and pay attention to some of the things B said this weekend, I will need to make some changes. I do a lot of thinking about myself, MY needs, how life has done ME wrong, what I want to do, why life hasn't been fair to ME. And yet, I have so, so much to be thankful for, you know? I mean, I am able to sit right here, with my mug of coffee, in a quiet and peaceful house, and write - and how much of a blessing is that? It doesn't change the fact that there is laundry to do and I will be doing it - again; or that there are piles of paperwork to do and I will be taking care of that - again. I don't know. Life is such a mixed bag. I have a good life. Should I just be thankful for it, and move on?
So bewildered and mentally tired,
J.
I hesitated even using the word "divorce" in my post just previous. It is such a powerful word, and I do not throw it around lightly. Every marriage has problems, and we all know that. And I am fairly certain that every married person, at one point or another, daydreams fondly of what life would be like were they free of the responsibilities and demands of marriage/parenting. Co-habitating with another human is one of the most challenging things to do - so challenging, in fact, that I wonder how so many of us manage to do it. I mean, do we all really want another human in our space all day, every day, with their quirks and noises and irritating habits? It is very hard, let me tell you. The capacity of "love", whether romantic or Christian, to withstand all things and forgive all things is truly tested when two people live together. At this point, for B and me, some things definitely do need to change on my part, going forward. Because, if they don't, I'm not sure what will happen. Or rather, I do know what might happen, and I shudder to think of what that would do to K and S.
This weekend was certainly not the first time my husband and I have gotten into extremely hostile conversations. We have been under an increased amount of stress since we became parents at all, let alone parents of a special-needs child. B and I have definitely had problems. Maybe they started soon after we married...probably so, since in some aspects the problems have their basis in my personality, and I was obviously there from the start! You see, I don't remember having those romantic, sentimental, warm-fuzzy thoughts about being married, or even having daydreams about "having someone to love". If you go by the commercials on t.v., young people getting married are supposedly having constant daydreams about their future life with their spouse. You know, the little home they'll have together, the little family they'll start, how wonderful it will be to do everything together. I honestly do not remember having those daydreams. Other than the basic, obvious details of moving in together, opening a joint checking account, that kind of thing - other than that, I didn't really, truly consider what being married really meant.
It means sharing, folks. Lots and lots and lots of sharing. You share your love, your space, your bed, your money, your time, your habits, your food choices, your decorating tendencies....it's all gotta be mutual, and inevitably, one of the newly married young people is going to have to compromise (read: "give in"). And I definitely did not grow up with parents who shared, were affectionate, compromised...or even, by the time I came along, exhibited any ability to be civil to each other. My mother had put her walls up years before, and by golly she was not going to leave herself vulnerable in any way, which meant that she had pretty much shut my father out of her life. So that was my example, as far as married relationships went. So the whole idea of being vulnerable to another person, for the sake of love, that's just not part of my psyche. And not only am I suffering and struggling because of it, I am hurting my own little family as well...this weekend provided vivid proof of that, unfortunately. I'm pretty sure K is convinced that her parents will be parting ways soon.
The only thing, or rather one of the bigger things, that will keep that from happening is if I somehow work on my trust issues, and hopefully in the process, somehow come to believe I am worthy of love....I guess? I'm just foraging around, at this point, trying to figure out what to do, trying to salvage something out of the mess I have made. I'm not saying B is perfect, and it takes both spouses to make or break a marriage, so I refuse to lay all of our problems at my feet. But, wow, this weekend was really awful. I am very nervous; going forward from here, if I am to really listen and remember and pay attention to some of the things B said this weekend, I will need to make some changes. I do a lot of thinking about myself, MY needs, how life has done ME wrong, what I want to do, why life hasn't been fair to ME. And yet, I have so, so much to be thankful for, you know? I mean, I am able to sit right here, with my mug of coffee, in a quiet and peaceful house, and write - and how much of a blessing is that? It doesn't change the fact that there is laundry to do and I will be doing it - again; or that there are piles of paperwork to do and I will be taking care of that - again. I don't know. Life is such a mixed bag. I have a good life. Should I just be thankful for it, and move on?
So bewildered and mentally tired,
J.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Adam, Eve, the apple, and marriage
Not the greatest day, today. It started off well, something gave my husband the idea to do breakfast in bed for me, so I was woken up by him and K and S, saying "Happy New Year" and presenting me with a tray and a mug of coffee. Not bad, and totally unexpected. I don't think I've ever had breakfast in bed.
Last night sucked, however, and during our drive to my in-laws' house for lunch, B and I got into another argument which, by the time we were within sight of his parents' house, got pretty ugly. K went into the house crying, and I was sooo very tempted to restart the car, and drive away. After all, given the words B and I exchanged in the car, and were he to have repeated to his family any of what I said to him in the car, the in-laws' house was technically in that moment enemy territory. To put it more simply, should B and I get divorced, I would most definitely never be welcome in my in-laws' house again, and I have no doubt that B's sister would be happy to tear my personality apart.
Marriage is really, really hard. It is probably harder, overall, than the effort and drive and perseverance it takes to climb Mt. Everest. Why? Because marriage is made up of so many valleys, and a precious few peaks. I'm not good at being a married person, and it becomes more and more clear to me that this is because I am not good at sharing. I don't trust humans, and sharing involves trusting others to some extent. Sharing one's life within the context of being married involves making oneself vulnerable....very, very vulnerable. As I said to B today, in a marriage, someone is always being taken advantage of. Always. That can really stink, you know?
Let me tell you the scenario that ignited today's very hostile conversation in the car. It is somewhat of a tradition that every year on New Year's Day, B sprinkles birdseed on the front step, for good luck. Well, I had purchased some birdseed last week, for just this purpose, and had already threw some out on the patio - I can't really just throw it into the backyard as Henry (the dog) would probably eat it. However, over the past few days I had realized that throwing it on the patio wasn't the greatest idea, as the birds generally leave the bits they don't like, and those were getting tracked into the family room every time we took Henry in/outside. Which meant, generally speaking, that throwing birdseed on the patio would inevitably mean more vacuuming for me (of B and I, I do the vacuuming much more often). So today, when I saw that he had thrown birdseed all over the patio and on the back step, I got the broom and swept most of it off to the side, right before I got in the car. I then get into the car, and explain to him why I did that, since he had just thrown it there. I believe I also said, "you're not the one who will be vacuuming all the birdseed off the family-room carpet, so don't make more work for me by throwing birdseed on the patio". So this turned into a hostile discussion which lasted pretty much all the way to his parents' house. Good times. Given what we were saying to each other, K got pretty upset and starting crying. It was unpleasant all the way around. After B and the kids went into the house I sat in the car thinking, somehow I just have to get through this day. B and I did talk some, while at his parents' house, but we didn't solve anything. Life will go on, just as it always does after stuff like this. Maybe I'm petty, sniping at him about the birdseed, because I am the one feeling taken advantage of, most of the time. I very much dislike being on the receiving end of someone else's assumption that, because I'm the wife or the mother, therefore I'm supposed to clean up after everyone AND smile with happiness while I'm doing it - as if that's all I ever wanted to do with my life is be the maid.
That's what really gets to me about the whole structure of marriage, especially where there are children involved. I mean, is that my trade-off, here? Because he's the one out there earning the money, I'm then expected to clean the house/raise the children/take care of everything - or else? Think about it. If I were to say, I can't stomach the unfairness of marriage anymore, and B didn't like this and decided to file for divorce - I'd be left with nothing, right? I'd pretty much be reduced to poverty level, because as a "housewife" I'm not earning a paycheck. I have no pension plan, no 401K, no health insurance. I'm dependent upon my husband for all of that, at the moment. Could I go out and get my own job right now, and so provide myself with some financial safety in these areas? Not really, because then in my opinion, K's and S's lives would be thrown into unhealthy turmoil, at least for a little while. If I decided I really didn't want to deal with the unfairness of the marital relationship anymore, and filed for divorce myself, I would instantly plunge not only myself but also my kids into poverty-level living, simply because I do not have, nor could I earn anytime soon, the salary that my husband makes. The health insurance that covers the medical needs of my children might be thrown into jeopardy. Where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Right now, at this time in my life, "marriage" means sucking it up and being the maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary (a role which I often find thankless, demeaning, and demoralizing), as a trade-off for being married to a responsible adult to who goes to work, works hard, and earns a paycheck to pay the bills.
Do you see what I mean, about marriage creating a situation where one of the spouses is very, very vulnerable and almost certainly taken advantage of? "But wait", you say, "what about the love you enjoy from your husband and children? What about the supposed fulfillment involved with being married, with having a companion for life? What about the blessing it is is be able to stay home with your kids?" Ummmm.......well, I guess those are great things - but I can't pay the water bill with those great things. Unfortunately, our society doesn't care about any of that, when it comes to paying the bills. And I say again, I only 'get' those things IF I'm willing to continue on in the thankless, demoralizing roles of maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary. That, my friends, is a very costly trade-off. Very costly. It is starting to cost me my sanity. The unfairness inherent in the institution of marriage just stuns me, most of the time.
But, on the other hand, maybe I'm reading the situation all wrong. I'm certain there are PLENTY of people out there who would look at my situation and say I'm absolutely insane for complaining about any of this. That I have a good man for a husband, we are able to (just) pay the bills (most of the time), our kids are pretty healthy overall, and we live in a safe neighborhood, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I am totally crazy, I don't know. B says he just wants me to be happy....but I'm really afraid that what would make me happy would be to be on my own, not married, not responsible for the kids 24/7. What right do I have to screw up his life, and the kids' lives, by going off on my own? Are they happier with me, or better off without me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
The title of this post comes from a thought I had, sometime in the last week or two - if Adam and Eve had never eaten that blasted apple, what would "marriage" look like today? Would it be more fair, for both parties? Would men play more of a role in the hands-on aspects of raising children and caring for a house? Would women then have and equal opportunity to use their skills and talents in the working world? Would committing oneself to one person for life be as hard? I wonder.
This is me, folks. This is real.
J.
Last night sucked, however, and during our drive to my in-laws' house for lunch, B and I got into another argument which, by the time we were within sight of his parents' house, got pretty ugly. K went into the house crying, and I was sooo very tempted to restart the car, and drive away. After all, given the words B and I exchanged in the car, and were he to have repeated to his family any of what I said to him in the car, the in-laws' house was technically in that moment enemy territory. To put it more simply, should B and I get divorced, I would most definitely never be welcome in my in-laws' house again, and I have no doubt that B's sister would be happy to tear my personality apart.
Marriage is really, really hard. It is probably harder, overall, than the effort and drive and perseverance it takes to climb Mt. Everest. Why? Because marriage is made up of so many valleys, and a precious few peaks. I'm not good at being a married person, and it becomes more and more clear to me that this is because I am not good at sharing. I don't trust humans, and sharing involves trusting others to some extent. Sharing one's life within the context of being married involves making oneself vulnerable....very, very vulnerable. As I said to B today, in a marriage, someone is always being taken advantage of. Always. That can really stink, you know?
Let me tell you the scenario that ignited today's very hostile conversation in the car. It is somewhat of a tradition that every year on New Year's Day, B sprinkles birdseed on the front step, for good luck. Well, I had purchased some birdseed last week, for just this purpose, and had already threw some out on the patio - I can't really just throw it into the backyard as Henry (the dog) would probably eat it. However, over the past few days I had realized that throwing it on the patio wasn't the greatest idea, as the birds generally leave the bits they don't like, and those were getting tracked into the family room every time we took Henry in/outside. Which meant, generally speaking, that throwing birdseed on the patio would inevitably mean more vacuuming for me (of B and I, I do the vacuuming much more often). So today, when I saw that he had thrown birdseed all over the patio and on the back step, I got the broom and swept most of it off to the side, right before I got in the car. I then get into the car, and explain to him why I did that, since he had just thrown it there. I believe I also said, "you're not the one who will be vacuuming all the birdseed off the family-room carpet, so don't make more work for me by throwing birdseed on the patio". So this turned into a hostile discussion which lasted pretty much all the way to his parents' house. Good times. Given what we were saying to each other, K got pretty upset and starting crying. It was unpleasant all the way around. After B and the kids went into the house I sat in the car thinking, somehow I just have to get through this day. B and I did talk some, while at his parents' house, but we didn't solve anything. Life will go on, just as it always does after stuff like this. Maybe I'm petty, sniping at him about the birdseed, because I am the one feeling taken advantage of, most of the time. I very much dislike being on the receiving end of someone else's assumption that, because I'm the wife or the mother, therefore I'm supposed to clean up after everyone AND smile with happiness while I'm doing it - as if that's all I ever wanted to do with my life is be the maid.
That's what really gets to me about the whole structure of marriage, especially where there are children involved. I mean, is that my trade-off, here? Because he's the one out there earning the money, I'm then expected to clean the house/raise the children/take care of everything - or else? Think about it. If I were to say, I can't stomach the unfairness of marriage anymore, and B didn't like this and decided to file for divorce - I'd be left with nothing, right? I'd pretty much be reduced to poverty level, because as a "housewife" I'm not earning a paycheck. I have no pension plan, no 401K, no health insurance. I'm dependent upon my husband for all of that, at the moment. Could I go out and get my own job right now, and so provide myself with some financial safety in these areas? Not really, because then in my opinion, K's and S's lives would be thrown into unhealthy turmoil, at least for a little while. If I decided I really didn't want to deal with the unfairness of the marital relationship anymore, and filed for divorce myself, I would instantly plunge not only myself but also my kids into poverty-level living, simply because I do not have, nor could I earn anytime soon, the salary that my husband makes. The health insurance that covers the medical needs of my children might be thrown into jeopardy. Where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Right now, at this time in my life, "marriage" means sucking it up and being the maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary (a role which I often find thankless, demeaning, and demoralizing), as a trade-off for being married to a responsible adult to who goes to work, works hard, and earns a paycheck to pay the bills.
Do you see what I mean, about marriage creating a situation where one of the spouses is very, very vulnerable and almost certainly taken advantage of? "But wait", you say, "what about the love you enjoy from your husband and children? What about the supposed fulfillment involved with being married, with having a companion for life? What about the blessing it is is be able to stay home with your kids?" Ummmm.......well, I guess those are great things - but I can't pay the water bill with those great things. Unfortunately, our society doesn't care about any of that, when it comes to paying the bills. And I say again, I only 'get' those things IF I'm willing to continue on in the thankless, demoralizing roles of maid/cook/housekeeper/secretary. That, my friends, is a very costly trade-off. Very costly. It is starting to cost me my sanity. The unfairness inherent in the institution of marriage just stuns me, most of the time.
But, on the other hand, maybe I'm reading the situation all wrong. I'm certain there are PLENTY of people out there who would look at my situation and say I'm absolutely insane for complaining about any of this. That I have a good man for a husband, we are able to (just) pay the bills (most of the time), our kids are pretty healthy overall, and we live in a safe neighborhood, etc, etc, etc. Maybe I am totally crazy, I don't know. B says he just wants me to be happy....but I'm really afraid that what would make me happy would be to be on my own, not married, not responsible for the kids 24/7. What right do I have to screw up his life, and the kids' lives, by going off on my own? Are they happier with me, or better off without me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
The title of this post comes from a thought I had, sometime in the last week or two - if Adam and Eve had never eaten that blasted apple, what would "marriage" look like today? Would it be more fair, for both parties? Would men play more of a role in the hands-on aspects of raising children and caring for a house? Would women then have and equal opportunity to use their skills and talents in the working world? Would committing oneself to one person for life be as hard? I wonder.
This is me, folks. This is real.
J.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I never signed up to do this alone
Today B. was supposed to be at a retreat with the Vestry from our church. He decided to not go, letting the priest know via voice-mail that "his wife is sick and he needed to stay home with the kids."
Physically, I am fine (except for my left foot, which I injured 2 weeks ago and is still causing quite a bit of pain). Emotionally, and probably mentally, I am definitely not fine. I am not fine with feeling like a single parent for most of any given week. I am not fine with the fact that B. works/is gone for work about 65 hours every week, and then because of this church committee was gone at least 36 hours last weekend and would have been gone for a large portion of today. I am not fine with the fact that, in essence, I do a lot of single-parenting even though I am married, my husband is not deceased nor too ill to parent. He's just.....not here, and the amount of time that he's not here is much, much more than he is here. I've had enough of it. I don't do anything outside of childcare/housecare at the moment. Well, I am involved in the state chapter for Prader-Willi Syndrome....I'm sure most would say I'm very involved, what with being its President, attending at least 3 board meetings a year, and planning a large yearly fundraiser. But those responsibilities take me out of the house only a very minimal amount compared to amount of time B. is away from home/not responsible for what happens here, and I don't get a paycheck for any of the many, many responsibilities I have, whereas he does.
Now, don't come at me with the "Oh, but raising well-balanced, well-adjusted children in a happy, cozy home should be reward enough in itself. Who needs a paycheck? Your children will thank you down the road for providing them with such a happy childhood" nonsense. How many children really grow up and go back and thank their parents for anything? I had a good childhood too, but it didn't have much to do with any ooey-gooey sappiness provided by my parents. They provided food, shelter, lots of siblings, and as good an education as they could afford - for which I truly am thankful - and felt they did their job. All of which probably explains why parenting just doesn't bring me lots of fulfillment, sad to say. Probably, if I had known myself better 15 years ago, I would have gotten a master's degree, become a workaholic for 10 years, and maybe decided to have children around 38 years old. Marriage would have been in there somewhere, and the house - but kids would definitely have waited.
I do love my children. They are wonderful kids and I am fully aware that B. and I have been blessed immeasureably by having them in our lives. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change having them, I would just change the timing of when we decided to have children. The advice I will pass along to K. (because I'm not sure what lies down the road for S. in these areas) is to get all the education she wants before she even begins to think about having children. Go to school, get your master's degree, work for at least 5-8 years - and then get married. Wait two years, and then have children. At least in that scenario, presumably both she and her spouse will have incomes such that reliable daycare can be paid for, if she continues working (because, of course, in our society there is never any doubt that the man would continue working!!!!!).
So anyway....do I feel bad that B. skipped this meeting today in order to stay home? Well, yes and no. He's the kind of person who fulfills these kinds of obligations and I know he probably did not feel 100% positive about skipping it. On the other hand, I never signed up to do this alone. We never sat down, when we got married, and talked about issues like this, i.e. how much outside activities are okay given the work schedule one/both of us might have. Or, which one is primarily responsible for childcare - husband or wife - and who is more of just a helper. I never, ever said that I was perfectly fine being the one who stayed home all the time with the kids; the only reason it has worked out this way is a) B. happens to have the job which brings in the money, and b) I did not get any kind of career going before K. came along, so obviously my job was the one that fell away when our two schedules didn't jive anymore. I am not happy being home all the time. I can't tell you how many times I and the kids have been in the car going somewhere, and I've thought to myself, if I didn't have kids there is no way I'd be going anywhere at all, let alone to wherever we were going at the time!!! We've trekked to activities countless times (especially lately) in bad weather, because the activity wasn't cancelled and we'd paid already, and I would have that thought. There just isn't any balance of responsibility in the parenting area between B. and I. And it's not that he avoids it, or thinks it isn't his responsibility! He's not one of those chauvinist guys who thinks "that's not my job" when it comes to childcare. He changed diapers just like I did, and when we get into conversations about this he usually, eventually says "I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat". Which is obviously not going to happen, since there's no way I could just go out and get a job that pays me what he currently makes. Plus, I'm not sure he'd truly enjoy being home all the time.
Well, my fingers are freezing and I've typed enough for now.
J.
Physically, I am fine (except for my left foot, which I injured 2 weeks ago and is still causing quite a bit of pain). Emotionally, and probably mentally, I am definitely not fine. I am not fine with feeling like a single parent for most of any given week. I am not fine with the fact that B. works/is gone for work about 65 hours every week, and then because of this church committee was gone at least 36 hours last weekend and would have been gone for a large portion of today. I am not fine with the fact that, in essence, I do a lot of single-parenting even though I am married, my husband is not deceased nor too ill to parent. He's just.....not here, and the amount of time that he's not here is much, much more than he is here. I've had enough of it. I don't do anything outside of childcare/housecare at the moment. Well, I am involved in the state chapter for Prader-Willi Syndrome....I'm sure most would say I'm very involved, what with being its President, attending at least 3 board meetings a year, and planning a large yearly fundraiser. But those responsibilities take me out of the house only a very minimal amount compared to amount of time B. is away from home/not responsible for what happens here, and I don't get a paycheck for any of the many, many responsibilities I have, whereas he does.
Now, don't come at me with the "Oh, but raising well-balanced, well-adjusted children in a happy, cozy home should be reward enough in itself. Who needs a paycheck? Your children will thank you down the road for providing them with such a happy childhood" nonsense. How many children really grow up and go back and thank their parents for anything? I had a good childhood too, but it didn't have much to do with any ooey-gooey sappiness provided by my parents. They provided food, shelter, lots of siblings, and as good an education as they could afford - for which I truly am thankful - and felt they did their job. All of which probably explains why parenting just doesn't bring me lots of fulfillment, sad to say. Probably, if I had known myself better 15 years ago, I would have gotten a master's degree, become a workaholic for 10 years, and maybe decided to have children around 38 years old. Marriage would have been in there somewhere, and the house - but kids would definitely have waited.
I do love my children. They are wonderful kids and I am fully aware that B. and I have been blessed immeasureably by having them in our lives. If I could go back in time I wouldn't change having them, I would just change the timing of when we decided to have children. The advice I will pass along to K. (because I'm not sure what lies down the road for S. in these areas) is to get all the education she wants before she even begins to think about having children. Go to school, get your master's degree, work for at least 5-8 years - and then get married. Wait two years, and then have children. At least in that scenario, presumably both she and her spouse will have incomes such that reliable daycare can be paid for, if she continues working (because, of course, in our society there is never any doubt that the man would continue working!!!!!).
So anyway....do I feel bad that B. skipped this meeting today in order to stay home? Well, yes and no. He's the kind of person who fulfills these kinds of obligations and I know he probably did not feel 100% positive about skipping it. On the other hand, I never signed up to do this alone. We never sat down, when we got married, and talked about issues like this, i.e. how much outside activities are okay given the work schedule one/both of us might have. Or, which one is primarily responsible for childcare - husband or wife - and who is more of just a helper. I never, ever said that I was perfectly fine being the one who stayed home all the time with the kids; the only reason it has worked out this way is a) B. happens to have the job which brings in the money, and b) I did not get any kind of career going before K. came along, so obviously my job was the one that fell away when our two schedules didn't jive anymore. I am not happy being home all the time. I can't tell you how many times I and the kids have been in the car going somewhere, and I've thought to myself, if I didn't have kids there is no way I'd be going anywhere at all, let alone to wherever we were going at the time!!! We've trekked to activities countless times (especially lately) in bad weather, because the activity wasn't cancelled and we'd paid already, and I would have that thought. There just isn't any balance of responsibility in the parenting area between B. and I. And it's not that he avoids it, or thinks it isn't his responsibility! He's not one of those chauvinist guys who thinks "that's not my job" when it comes to childcare. He changed diapers just like I did, and when we get into conversations about this he usually, eventually says "I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat". Which is obviously not going to happen, since there's no way I could just go out and get a job that pays me what he currently makes. Plus, I'm not sure he'd truly enjoy being home all the time.
Well, my fingers are freezing and I've typed enough for now.
J.
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