I know, I know, I'm stating the obvious. I'm stating something I should probably know by now, after 15+ years of it.
I put a post on here, earlier today, which summarized quite succinctly the state of things, here, in my marriage, lately. It was only up for about 2.5 seconds, so only two people (that I know of) read it. I quickly took it down, because while was it the truth as I see it, it still isn't fair to my husband to post such things on my public blog, where he has no opportunity to give his side of things. That post was from my perspective - neither right nor wrong, but perhaps not accurate from his perspective.
Being married is hard, for me...for several reasons. First, I don't come from a background of having happily married parents. I've written about that in previous posts (under the 'marriage' subject heading, probably), so I won't get into again here. Secondly, I take meds for depression/anxiety - and while I am glad to have access to drugs which help, said drugs don't completely erase the reasons for which I take them. In other words, my demeanor/personality are still affected by depression/anxiety. Third, I am not by nature a bubbly person, and so the stresses that come with parenting/marriage REALLY flatten out whatever bit of "bubbly-ness" I may have left, at my age. Sometimes just getting through the day is a struggle...I don't have much left, through all that, for "bubbly". Plus, parenting a special-needs-child is SUCH a balancing act, sometimes, between B and I. I'm here the most - heck, I'm the stay-at-home parent - and so S gets used to my way of doing things. Keep in mind, this is a kid who needs structure and routine. So when B sticks his neck out, and either does something different or suggests handling something a different way, voila, our parenting styles clash and S gets upset. This happens often, unfortunately, making a tense situation worse.
My life is pretty good, all things considered. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I do actually feel okay about where I'm at, right now. I guess I'm just not comfortable being expressive, and showing that I feel that way about my life. Which thus makes my husband believe that I'm consistently angry...miserable...angry...etc....and while I will admit to having been angry about various things for a long while, I'm not anymore.