Sunday, March 20, 2011

Marriage is hard

I know, I know, I'm stating the obvious.  I'm stating something I should probably know by now, after 15+ years of it.

I put a post on here, earlier today, which summarized quite succinctly the state of things, here, in my marriage, lately.  It was only up for about 2.5 seconds, so only two people (that I know of) read it.  I quickly took it down, because while was it the truth as I see it, it still isn't fair to my husband to post such things on my public blog, where he has no opportunity to give his side of things.  That post was from my perspective - neither right nor wrong, but perhaps not accurate from his perspective. 

Being married is hard, for me...for several reasons.  First, I don't come from a background of having happily married parents.  I've written about that in previous posts (under the 'marriage' subject heading, probably), so I won't get into again here.  Secondly, I take meds for depression/anxiety - and while I am glad to have access to drugs which help, said drugs don't completely erase the reasons for which I take them.  In other words, my demeanor/personality are still affected by depression/anxiety.  Third, I am not by nature a bubbly person, and so the stresses that come with parenting/marriage REALLY flatten out whatever bit of  "bubbly-ness" I may have left, at my age.  Sometimes just getting through the day is a struggle...I don't have much left, through all that, for "bubbly".  Plus, parenting a special-needs-child is SUCH a balancing act, sometimes, between B and I.  I'm here the most - heck, I'm the stay-at-home parent - and so S gets used to my way of doing things.  Keep in mind, this is a kid who needs structure and routine.  So when B sticks his neck out, and either does something different or suggests handling something a different way, voila, our parenting styles clash and S gets upset.  This happens often, unfortunately, making a tense situation worse.

My life is pretty good, all things considered.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I do actually feel okay about where I'm at, right now.  I guess I'm just not comfortable being expressive, and showing that I feel that way about my life.  Which thus makes my husband believe that I'm consistently angry...miserable...angry...etc....and while I will admit to having been angry about various things for a long while, I'm not anymore.

So tired.


Rachel said...

Jen you are so right. Marriage is hard dang hard, but worth the effort. Depression and anxiety make almost everything much harder. Parenting is hard I can't imagine parenting a child with special needs, a child who needs the structure and routine a child with PWS needs. Keep telling yourself that you are doing the best with what you have. You are a great mom!

JMB said...

Thank you sooo much, Rachel. As always, your kind words mean a lot to me!


Christina said...

Marriage IS hard. It takes daily effort, and at times it is hard to have the energy to put forth that effort...especially with kids. I know after our first we kind of drifted apart in our marriage...and now we are working hard to make it the kind we want our kids to grow up seeing.
I wish you the best of luck!

Laurie said...

It's interesting that you write this. My husband and I have the same problem, but only in reverse. I am the much more "up", optimistic person. His nickname (given by me) is Eeyore... and it really describes his private personality around me sometimes.

The hardest part is that often he's able to hold it together in public, but he is exhausted with the effort by the time he comes home. I don't get that part of him, only the dregs that are left over and it's draining and exhausting.

I know how hard it is for him to battle how he feels, and I have a lot of compassion for his struggles. I just wish the negativity or "down days" didn't suck the life out of me and the air out of the room he is in. He always seems bitter to me. When I bring this up to him, he is genuinely surprized. He also doesn't seem to realize how much he affects the family dynamics. He thinks very modestly of himself and is constantly underestimating the impact he has on our family atmosphere.

Thank you for talking about this.