I guess that "30 posts in 30 days" thing wasn't for me. Sometimes I think about blogging and when I get up here, can't remember any of the things I wanted to write about. Plus, it has been so stinkin' cold lately that all I want to do after the girls go to bed is curl up under about 10 blankets and read. Honestly, I've taken to wearing a hat around the house! And it's cold up here by the computer, too.
Yesterday was a long, long day. School was called off here, and so S. and K. were home all day. S. had a general doctor's appointment scheduled, and I'm glad because otherwise I think we'd all have been nuts by the end of the day. I wasn't in the best mood as it was. K. was feeling the winter blah's as well. She said "I just wish something would happen!!". I said I did too! I so much wish there were some indoor gym or something here; sort of like the play areas at the fast-food places, only bigger and minus the food. Somewhere the kids could go and run around, play, climb, get some exercise. There just isn't anywhere to go on snow days; playing outside is only fun for so long, especially when it's as cold as it's been here.
My mood has been pretty dismal anyway, for a long time. I just really dislike feeling "trapped" here at home. My kids are great kids, they aren't troublemakers, they get along relatively well....so in those areas I don't have anything to complain about. But I just hate being here all the time. I know some women out there might look at my circumstances and say, "But you've got it good! You get to not work, and stay home with your kids!", which is a good thing, yes, I agree. BUT.....I just kind of feel like there is a whole other part of me, a large array of skills and talents and brain cells, that are definitely NOT being utilized by being a SAHM. A question arises often in my thoughts, when I am at my wits' end here at home, why would God bless me with intelligence and a facility for working with the public, and here I am in this situation? I know this time is temporary; for financial reasons (as in, we're broke!) I will be going back to work probably in the fall. I also know that, when I am working again, I may have to trust the care of my kids to someone else besides Brad for short periods of time.....and that will be difficult! There is a certain amount of mental comfort in being able to be home for one's children, and know firsthand that they are alright. I don't plan on finding full-time work, but no matter where I end up working, inevitably we will need a third party to watch S. and K. at some point in the week.
From a faith standpoint, I might venture to say that maybe this period of not being a working mom was God's way of forcing me to focus more on my family, on our home. Certainly I have at least attempted over the past 13 months to take a hard look at our house and try to get rid of stuff. I know I have been able to pay more attention to our money situation. Perhaps in the long run I will see this all as an "enforced period of stillness", or something. Sigh.
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A couple from our church has put out a reading challenge for Lent, called something like "The Bible Feast" - the challenge is to read only the Bible for the entire period of Lent. No newspapers, no magazines, no books (gasp!!!) other than the Bible. I am considering taking the challenge. I always have plans to read the Bible - the whole thing, not just parts - but of course I have LOTS of distracting piles of other books laying around. However, Lent is only 40 days; I really would like to read the whole Bible; I'm wondering if, by doing this, God might be able to answer some of my "life dilemmas" (see above!); and.....I think my soul needs this! I read so many blogs written by Christian women, and these are women who truly do spend quality time almost every day praying, reading the Bible, reading devotional books. Just reading their blogs and witnessing how they keep their faith in God even through extreme trials has enriched my own faith life. Maybe spending time every day reading the Bible is a more direct route to the same outcome! Perhaps that is the reason why I've been led to reading these blogs all these months. And you know, the freaky thing is, it was the woman in the same couple who are proposing "The Bible Feast" who pointed me to the first blog I ever read, which in turn led me to other Christian blogs......hmmmm. Coincidence, or God at work?
J.
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